Loch Ness Terror? I nearly died laughing.
from Somerset UK
, 18 Sep 2008
THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS
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We all know there are some films that are so awful theyre brilliant and there are those films that are so bad they are actually beyond belief, destined to live out their days in those dark, slimy recesses into which cockroaches and the film critic from The Sun wont even venture. Guess which category this one fits into
Now, its my own fault. Ive no one to blame but me. Its like when you get the munchies. Youve a Saturday night coming up
you cant stand the thought of the X Factor or that bloke Vernon Kay and his teeth and his hair and his big ties and you think to yourself its time for some gratuitous screen violence. What I want is gore
and lots of it! Something to watch with a bag of tortillas chips and a couple of cold beers. I know, Ill rent a monster movie..! Well, it seemed like a sound idea at the time..
I had my first little tremor of doubt when I didnt recognize any of the names in the opening credits, but I thought, no, that doesnt necessarily mean anything. Its early days (one reviewer did give it 5 stars after all
Michael Caine, when asked why he did rubbish films like The Swarm used to reply For the Picasso in the lounge. I suspect that the poor devils performing (I use the term loosely) in this pile of tripe would have been hard pressed to afford an Etch-A-Sketch (Its a generation thing. Look it up, if you dont know). And I also suspect that a few of them were only too happy when they did get their heads bitten off (Oops, sorry, plot spoiler!). It meant they could go home early and bank their meagre postal orders.
Actually, I lied earlier
well, sort of. I still have no idea what their names were but one of the actors was that fat, bald bloke who played the general in charge of the Stargate thingy. Im guessing hes probably sacked his agent by now
yknow when they use green screen to fill in the monsters later and the cast have to act against a tennis ball on a piece of string
? Well, theyd have been better off if theyd stuck with the tennis ball. It would have been way scarier than the wee beastie (well it was supposed to be Nessie, for Petes sake..!) they finally came up with. It made ITVs Primeval look like Brideshead Revisited
only without the frocks
Now, if theyd made the monster wear a frock that would have been scary
Even the crisps and the beer couldnt make this bearable. In fact the Doritos went back in the cupboard, the bag secured by a safety pin (I was going to stick it in my eyeballs but waste not, want not) and the beers went back in the fridge. All except one. It was already opened in eager anticipation and I needed something to steady my nerves
Its a sad state of affairs when even Simon Cowell looks like a serious alternative
but I didnt succumb. Im made of sterner stuff. I listened to my radiators bleeding instead
.much more entertaining.
If youre looking for cheapo monster movies that do deliver and that fit into that first category, then go for Dragon Wars and The Host ( both of them Korean, strangely
) Now, they are worth getting the Doritos out for. Well, maybe. My advice: Dont open the beer until you absolutely certain youve done the right thing. And even then Id hang on a bit
Oh, and the one star? Call it a sympathy vote
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