Makes Independence Day look high-brow
, 28 Oct 2012
Normally I quite enjoy a mindless action romp I (sadly) managed to enjoy Skyline, Battle L. A. and even bits of Independence Day. Seeing as Im capable of removing my brain in order to squeeze some mild enjoyment out of Danny Dyers films, I thought I could employ the same technique with Battleship. Sadly, there wasnt a planet far enough away in the universe that I could ship my mind to in order to enjoy this film.
Taylor Kitsch plays a man who, while chatting up a girl in a bar, decides to steal her some food from a local convenience store in order to impress her. He subsequently gets arrested and then his brother informs him that he should join the navy. He does. If that isnt hard enough to believe he makes Lieutenant Commander in the next scene and ends up captaining a Battleship when its captain gets (conveniently) killed.
Enter the aliens: they fly halfway across the universe in spaceships so advanced that they sit in the water and then only move by jumping forward in small leaps (seriously). They also only fire bombs and a few spinny disc-type things that break roads and ignore children playing baseball.
Taylor Kitsch then enlists the help of retired naval servicemen and amputees to beat up the alien threat and save the day (along with Rhianna who has a baseball cap that never leaves her head even when she jumps out of a ship and into water).
Okay, so, as with most big-budget Hollywood films, the special effects are top notch. The aliens are good, but weve seen cities being destroyed in things like Independence Day and Godzilla, plus (unfortunately) anyone whos seen the 9/11 footage has watched buildings fall down in real life, leaving Hollywoods interpretations a bit redundant. However, its the acting thats the problem. The dialogue is so cheesy that youll find yourself laughing at the allegedly serious lines the actors speak. Liam Neesons part only amounts to an extended cameo.
Im surprised the film is rated a 12 certificate, as anyone over 12 will probably feel that their intelligence has been thoroughly insulted by having this made for them. An eight year old boy may enjoy this has he has probably not seen anything better.
I guess this is what comes from making a film out of a board game. I cant wait for Game of Life: The Movie starring Ben Affleck and Jessie J.
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