from Portadown, N.Ireland
, 23 Dec 2009
So we're in the autumn of Steve Austins career and he finally hung up the black knee braces, boots and daisy dukes to concentrate on his prolific acting skills honed in the squared circle and which earned the rattlesnake the name and reputation we all love him for as, 'Stone Cold'. The question is, does the character of Stone Cold Steve Austin belong in another action (well I say action) movie? On the evidence of this, the answer is a resounding NO! Lets face it, this really could be a sequel to Austins last movie The Condemned. Basically the same character under a different pseudonym. Speaking of which, check out Austins character name in this - John Brickner. Whats wrong with calling him a normal name like Pete Smith or Mike Jones? No, he is BRICKNER! Well I suppose, Max Payne, Roger Ramjet and Black Dynamite were all taken.
So lets focus in on my two main BIG problems with this drivel. Only 2 problems Kaxxx? Oh God no, its the mouth of xmas here folks and if I go off on one the way I really want to about this, i'll end up on the naughty list! Problem number one: Walton Goggins as Reno (Walton Goggins, thats what they shouldve called him! Not Brickner!). This guy is quite possibly thee worst actor i've witnessed with my eyeballs since Quentin Tarantino. Everything about his character, look, dialogue, reactions, and story has come right off the page of some really bad comic book (not surprising really when you know that the movie was written by some little douchebag fanboy who incidentally is the writer for Austins latest flick 'H2K' - Jesus folks, i'm no prophet but be warned!). Funny enough Goggin's Hollywood star hasnt took off after 'Damage'. Aww bless.
Second: The fight choreography. Done by Steven McMichael and he should be f**kin ashamed of himself and so should Austin for going along with it. It's bad folks, REAL BAD. C'mon this is Steven McMichael! The guy who done fight choreography for Hardwired, Kill Switch, Far Cry, Max Havoc (THEY SHOULD'VE CALLED HIM MAX HAVOC!! - Sorry, last time, I promise) and last but not least, Riddles of the Sphinx! Never of heard of them? Me either. All the fights are soooo choreographed. To the point that you can almost see the (ahem!) actors counting each step and move whilst taking their 10 minutes in between each punch. Slow, boring, uninspired and extremely dated fight scenes are ironically meant to be the selling point on this garbage. As I watched with sheer horror I groaned, 'What've I, what've I, what've I done to deserve this?' - Kidding. No really, I was thinking, 'the only thing that can top this off is if Austin has some dud finishing move'. No sooner had the thought occurred when Brickner let fly his spectacular, jaw dropping, breathtaking...punch to the chest. (SIGH!) 'I bet they'll name it', I said sobbing and wiping my now mucus stained face into my once treasured 'Austin 3:16' shirt - They did. The Heart Attack. After that I tried it on myself just to f**ckin end it. Didnt work and I had to watch on til the end - that nearly worked! So in the words of the great man, i'm gonna bottom line this for ya, 'If y'all wanna see this movie banished into Room 101 or some other Godforsaken place - Gimme a HELL YEAH!!'
Oh, one more thing, guess what Austin's name is in his new one 'The Expendables'? Dan Paine! I s**t you not.
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