Run! Save your soul!!
from St. Austell
, 15 Feb 2006
If you're reading this review and considering renting this movie, STOP! For the love of god and all that is decent in the world, please, click off this page as soon as possible. I don't think I can do this film justice and explain just how truly bad it is. Alarm bells should have started ringing when I glanced over the cast. Casper Van Dien, Coolio, Erika Eleniak, Tiny Lister.... It's a veritable 'Who's Who' of the hollywood z-list. It's common knowledge that none of these are particularly talented actors but......there's just no excuse for the levels of awfulness on display.
Okay so the film is set in the year 3000, in deep space no less. Van Dien is Captain Abraham Van Helsing, captain of a ship of salvage mercenaries, who stumble across an empty ship in the Carpathian System. Hmm.... They board to find no traces of crew, bar one skeleton - the captain. While rummaging around they find a load of caskets. Opening one starts the beginning of the end. The first to fall to Dracula (the worst Dracula you've ever seen, by the way) is Coolio. Coolio then goes on to deliver some of the worst overacting ever laid down on celluloid. And it's after Coolio has turned into a vampire that you realise how bad the dialogue is. Coming out with completely unnecessary lines about ejaculating over Erika Eleniak's bazongas!! Have you seen that in any other vampire movies ever? No, thought not. Why? BECAUSE IT'S BLOODY RIDICULOUS! What follows is your usual 'people get picked off one by one' horror movie, albeit minus any gore. That's right folks, it's a horror movie WITHOUT GORE. The film proceeds at an incredibly slow and tedious pace, considering how few crew members there are to get killed. Then, completely out of the blue, there's a 'twist' and an ending. Both of these leave you cratching your head and wondering 'what the heck was that?'. Really, the ending is just SO bad. It's like the makers of the movie realised just what a complete turd they were involved in and decided to end it right there and then in the cheapest way possible. And that's saying something, as the whole film looks unbelievably cheap.
I made a mistake when I rented this film. I believed it to be a follow up to Dracula 2001 (which was also rather poor, but I'm a fool for a Dracula movie). It wasn't. Don't be suckered in like I was. This is some god awful experiment in bad film making. That's the only explanation I can come up with for why this movie is as bad as it is.
Dracula 3000 easily makes my top 10 list of Worst Films Ever. I've suffered through it. Learn from my mistake, and get off this page now. RUN!!!!
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