Love Actually Details

The Richard Curtis Guide to Making a "Blockbuster"

Step 1 - The Cast.

Ring round all of your buddies to see which ones can spare you a few days for your movie. Make sure you tell them that you'll typecast them so they won't be expected to do anything awful such as having to act.

Step 2 - The Characters.

Typecasting should remove the need for any of this nonsense.

Step 3 - The Plot.

Skip this too. Who needs a plot when you've got such a loveable cast. Go straight on to sub-plots.

Step 4 - The Sub-Plots.

Decide to make the move about love. Brainstorm all of the types of love you can think of. (e.g. First love, forbidden love, adulterous love etc). When you've scraped the bottom of the barrel, write your cast list down on a piece of paper and connect as many as you can to each other with a line representing one of these types of love. When you run out, join the rest with random relationships (e.g brother, mate, nextdoor neighbour). This will make all of your individual sub-plots look like they're part of something big and clever.

Step 5 - Diversion.

Just in case anybody is tempted to see through this, set the movie at Christmas for that ultimate sprinkling of feel-good factor.

Step 6 - Take it Easy.

Sit back and count the cash that comes rolling in.

The Tall Guy? The Better guy!

Presently I cannot think of another film that I have watched that has been such a colossal waste of my time and money. I was expecting a chick flick in the mould of Bridget Jones or Serendipity which at the very least were watchable. What I got was a jumbled, in-cohesive mess of ‘interlinked’ stories of such a sickly sweet nature that I was forced to forgo confectionary of any kind for a week.

The script was embarrassing, especially seeing quality actors of our stage and screen being pressed into situations and to say lines that are so clearly beneath them. I found the whole experience cringe worthy in ‘The Office’ or ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ type way but obviously without the accompanying laughs.

At work the following day I forced a discussion into the film and was met by a torrent of disagreement to my opinion which made me want to watch the film again, thinking I may have missed a vital ingredient that would make the film passable. Went home, put it on again, got as far as the church audience standing playing instruments as the bride and groom leave, nearly regurgitated my dinner and was forced to stop.

Recommended in its place? Try watching the test card with the girl playing noughts and crosses with that deranged doll. At least with that there’s a certain amount of tension as to whether she’ll win the game.