Truly appalling teen-witch fest
, 24 Aug 2007
Irrefutable signifiers that a film is going to blow harder than a whale in a mud bath are the words romantic comedy , or starring Steven Seagel , or even worse directed by one of the following Uwe Boll , Michael Bay ( Transformers apart from what Ive heard) or Renny Harlin.
The Covenant is directed by the latter and boy does it blow . It would give hurricane Dean a run for its money. The plot , and I feel guilty giving it a moniker that suggests some amount of thought has gone into it, is prefaced in the opening credits with lots of images and references to witchcraft , and its pertinent history to Massachusetts . This is to save time . Its basically a quick idiot guide of whats to come. Its also the most entertaining and intellectual part of the movie , though that of course is not saying much.
Four young swim wear models with st, st st, studio line haircuts swan around their upper crust prep school , scowling moodily , calling each other Bro and showing off their rippling torsos as much as possible .They drive enormously expensive cars but they can also fly which in the babe pulling stakes is undoubtedly a clincher. They are witches you see, with a deep bond that goes back way into their respective family pasts.
This is threatened when a rogue witch turns up , de-stabilizing their dynamic, targeting the leaders cute new girlfriend and generally being a right pain in the arse. Its meant to be a tantalising mystery who this is but its so obvious he might as well walk around with a ten foot neon wand shouting shazamm with a loud hailer as big as a cooling tower.
There are lots of confrontations involving flashing yellow eyes and shimmering balls of something or other that usher from clenched fists and its all very loud , and excruciatingly tedious. Most of the characters are so irritating you want the bad guy to dispose of them in the most brutal way possible but they do him a big favour by inexplicably disappearing so their leader can have the big show down at the movies blissful conclusion. The climatic face-off is not so much Once Upon A Time In The West as Once Upon A Time In The Midlands but nowhere near as good.
Hah you say , if you knew it was directed by crap-meister Harlin why did you watch it then ? There in all honesty you have me. I should have known better but I didnt . Thats the curse of the film addict I suppose .You know its going to be utter tripe ,but you still have to watch in the hope it may prove you wrong. The Covenant, though proved me right. Harlin may be a talentless peddler of incalculably poor cinematic dross but he can still get supposedly intelligent and tasteful individuals like me to watch to his god-awful films .Now that really is magic.
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